Last night I watched Cinderella. It was stunning. I mean, I’m biased. I love Disney the way Michael Jackson loved Disney (and I also love Michael Jackson the way Michael Jackson loved Disney). It was the 2015 Kenneth Branagh version. There were musky English country houses and mahogany tables, grand pianos and acres of trees in centuries of forest. The humour dry like wine (British, of course), and most importantly, cheesy but gorgeous truth-filled one-liners. In the end, love found her, and loved her for every little thing she was. It was so enchanting, and that is all I really care for in a film, or perhaps in anything. The film ended with the song ‘A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes’ and I fell into sleep to Michael Jacksons beautiful cover of ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’. I felt so good. The song, the film, in that moment, everything. There is something very special about going to sleep in love, you wake up in ecstasy.
It is about 6pm. The only word I can use to describe today is ‘heavy’. I am a freelance one-to-one tutor for a creative independent school that works with children who for whatever reason are marginalised from mainstream education. This means that i’m always on the go and things like eating and using the loo can be a little awkward sometimes because i’m running up and down south-east London all day, appointment to appointment. And just to make matters worse, mother nature came and checked me this afternoon. When I finished work this evening I got on the wrong bus, and didn’t realise till I was in Crystal Palace (I live the other side of the river) really, Nadège? This added another 40 minutes or so to my commute home. Although I was nodding off (and nearly got off at the wrong stop, again) I smiled through it. I am so excited. When I woke up this morning, the greatest opportunity that I didn’t know I needed presented itself to me. Just as I wished on I star last night, ain’t that funny? Now I’ve just gotta do the work. I am so excited.
Look at you. You are doing so well. Keep dreaming. Keep wishing on stars. Keep believing in magic. You dreams are around the corner. Watch how they unravel.
I am laying in my loving room looking at the sky. It’s been another long day and short night. I am thinking about my 13 hour shift tomorrow. I am thinking about how I will find the money to get to work for the next twelve days and how it feels like I am working sunrise to sunrise. Nights like these. Where sighs roll sweetly into the morning and I wish I could just throw myself into my mothers arms.
I promised myself I would never be here again, yet here I am.
This year I have been pulled from every corner and in consequence, I am being reintroduced to the unhealed parts of myself. It feels so icky, but i’m working on me. I am exhausted. But I know that I would much rather feel the pain of what I am going through than complain about what I’m going through. In complaining I lose the moment, and if I lose the moment I lose my power. Besides, pain is as beautiful as we allow it to be.
My journey of self-employment began this year, and I really have no idea what i’m doing. Still, I know I am scratching the surface of something, and I know that has to mean something. I am being beckoned by my dreams, i’m moving, but the journey is labyrinthine.
I have a gorgeous meditation journal titled #ANote2Self created by an author named Alex Elle and it has been a space for me to reflect on the details of my daily life with light and self-compassion. One of my entries reads as follows:
Maybe you are exactly where you should be. You kept praying for God to use your life for loves purposes and it has landed you here. Why are you resisting it? Trust the process. There is nothing outside of you that can take your power. Nothing. What must you do to be in command of everything in your life? Do it. What does it feel like to be at peace? Feel it. What does it look like to be in love? Be it.
It it 22.38 in London and I need rest.