I am laying in my loving room looking at the sky. It’s been another long day and short night. I am thinking about my 13 hour shift tomorrow. I am thinking about how I will find the money to get to work for the next twelve days and how it feels like I am working sunrise to sunrise. Nights like these. Where sighs roll sweetly into the morning and I wish I could just throw myself into my mothers arms.
I promised myself I would never be here again, yet here I am.
This year I have been pulled from every corner and in consequence, I am being reintroduced to the unhealed parts of myself. It feels so icky, but i’m working on me. I am exhausted. But I know that I would much rather feel the pain of what I am going through than complain about what I’m going through. In complaining I lose the moment, and if I lose the moment I lose my power. Besides, pain is as beautiful as we allow it to be.
My journey of self-employment began this year, and I really have no idea what i’m doing. Still, I know I am scratching the surface of something, and I know that has to mean something. I am being beckoned by my dreams, i’m moving, but the journey is labyrinthine.
I have a gorgeous meditation journal titled #ANote2Self created by an author named Alex Elle and it has been a space for me to reflect on the details of my daily life with light and self-compassion. One of my entries reads as follows:
Maybe you are exactly where you should be. You kept praying for God to use your life for loves purposes and it has landed you here. Why are you resisting it? Trust the process. There is nothing outside of you that can take your power. Nothing. What must you do to be in command of everything in your life? Do it. What does it feel like to be at peace? Feel it. What does it look like to be in love? Be it.
It it 22.38 in London and I need rest.