24.09.16

It has been a while. It is Saturday, 7.20am. I am on the way to work and I am about to share with you my stream of consciousness…
I wish I could say that I have been blissful and powerful and radiant, but it just wouldn’t be true. The past couple of weeks I have been the shell of myself. I have been tired, irritable, and highly anxious. And I am feeling and realising now more than ever how powerful it is to consciously choose my self-talk to reflect the mystical, beautiful woman I know that I am. There is no use in denying the fact that I’m going through some ish to anyone. It is clear to see. But I cannot wait for the ‘right’ conditions to instil a sense of worth in me. I am worthy by virtue of my existence. Let me declare it again. I Am Worthy By Virtue of My Existence.
You know how toxins and impurities have to come up in order for us to see them and be clear of them? Well, the stuff that has been coming up for me is all around worthiness and self-confidence and as I am in a close intimate relationship this all has created insecurity in me. I am learning and un-learning everything this year. I have found that much of what I thought I knew, I really didn’t know. Which is why I always say that humble is the most powerful position.
As I was saying, my sense of worthiness is being challenged in every arena: At work where I feel judged and criticised (I have three jobs so the demands feel numberless), my sense of peace within my body and with my appearance, and in my personal relationships. I am on the tube now and the guy sitting next to me is reading what I’m wiring over my shoulder. Can you stop, fam?
Anyway, my commitment is to build a career that is a true reflection and expression of who I am. I am working hard because I am paying off rent arrears that I accumulated the early part of this year when I was not working at all. I struggle to ask for hep because it seems that it rarely comes without the strings of expectation or an unwritten and unsaid IOU. I guess that is why in some of our darkest moment it is often strangers that help us back onto our feet.
We need love. So much of it. I see it in myself and I see it so poignantly in the eyes of the young peoples parents I work with. I have grasped some opportunties to extend love the past couple of weeks, although I feel I have missed many more. How can I show up with love for anyone else when I am not showing up with love for myself? I think I have answered my own question. I also think it is time to step back into my power. By saying no. By opening up. By letting go. That is how I will reset the vibration.
I was speaking to my best friend last week. She was telling me about how hard she can be on herself. I told her to practice self-compassion. How do I do that? She asked. I said write down all the thoughts that you think during the day. At the end of the day, read them through. Do they sound compassionate? If not, explore it and ask yourself why. Most likely there is something about the way you perceive yourself in a situation that can be more loving, and when you do this next time you will be much more aware of it. Keep bringing your toxic thought patterns to your consciousness. To the light. It will heal you.
Clearly, I need to take my own advice. I am getting off the train and walking into work now. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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