Confidently Lost – 07.04.17

{Please note: The inspiration for this blog title comes from the beautiful artist Sabrina Claudio. I credit her for those words}

This isn’t the post I initially planned to put up. I wrote a post titled ‘fuck your box’ about 10 days ago. For some reason I just couldn’t post it. Maybe because it had no through line, or because it felt like a table with a wobbly leg, maybe because I send for couple couple people in it (I kid…no, I don’t, lol). It is as angry as it is raw, and while it is very important to me to honour these feelings, maybe now that they’re out I would rather send them to rest than to my readers…
I’m reading The Book of Forgiving at the moment, by Desmond and Mpho Tutu. It is painfully beautiful. I’m having to look at where I can forgive, and where I can be forgiven. On the things that have happened to me and the people around me. I am learning that personal power is electrifying, and I am exploring this through forgiveness. My dreams have been so vivid since reading this book, I will tell you about them in some way. I just love writing, it stirs in me a sense of mystery and adventure. I love using my mind and body to make sense of the world in completely new ways; I think I did that a while ago…
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I have been working so tirelessly I am dizzy. I have accepted this now, but I see the universe trying to usher me on in its sweet, seductive ways. By orders of the book, I was sent to find a stone the size of my fist. So after work one day I went to Greenwich park to find this stone. While at the park I saw a chrysalis (I couldn’t believe my eyes because I had never seen a chrysalis before and it seemed like a rare occurrence). I then saw a rare breed of bird perched atop a very tall tree. Then two bats, swinging in the breeze, upside down from a branch. I know that animals can be very symbolic in our lives, and what those symbols are, we understand for ourselves, the park was my enchanted lover that night, in which I was losing and finding myself.
A few days later, I was on the phone to my friend telling her about it and I see a thick long tail. A furry grey coat. A rat. Two rats. I shriek. This time though, I searched for meaning, and here is what I found…
“Time to scavenge something out of nothing, take the knowledge you have learned, and move on!”
I may not know quite where I’m going, I know that I feel so much better when I wonder about the place with little resistance. I am shifting from uncomfortably lost to confidently lost, and suddenly I feel as though my thoughts have been crystallized and I am right on time.
Dège xxx
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