05.09.16

Every promise, don’t work out that way
My face is stinging with tears. It has been three days and I am still hurting. I can’t bring myself to pray about it. I can’t bring myself to meditate about it. I can’t bring myself to accept that you’re gone. It has been years since I‘ve seen you and I cannot shake off the guilt that I feel. Now that I know I do not have the luxury of seeing you I miss you with the weight of lifetimes. I wish the world could just stop for a moment.
I met a man the night you died. I told him about the time you stood up for me when I was betrayed by my ex boyfriend. I got stranded in London Bridge that same night, a little before 1 in the morning, walking and wishing I could call a taxi and run away without paying like we used to do back in Birmingham. I laughed so much thinking about you.
It has now been seven days since my friend Kasey died in her sleep. Two days after her birthday and two months after giving birth to a beautiful baby boy. It is seven days later and I am falling in love with the man I met that night. What the hell is going on?
Timing is so intricate.
I am sitting in my living room beside my candle and her photo. She never got to see my new place, It’s much better than the hostel. My ‘Manifest a Miracle’ reiki candle has been burning all night and is still burning. Why aren’t you still burning, Kasey? Why do those who are most charming, most beautiful die so young? You had more love and life in your 25 years than most people have in 50 and I am so glad that you felt the ecstasy of being a mother before you passed. I wish I saw this coming. I would have come down to Birmingham just to hug you. I used to hate it when you used to tell me off. Now I wish you were here to tell me off 1000 times over. I wish I called you. I wish I came down to visit you. I wish I told you I loved you. I wish. I wish. I wish.
I have been broken open this year. In as much as i’m hurting I feel like my pain isn’t legitimate because truthfully I had taken my friend for granted. I am forgiving myself for this. I read a quote recently that said:
‘I will not wait until a funeral to let the overwhelming beauty of human life spill from my eyes.’
I would say losing Kasey has made me realize this, but that wouldn’t be true. I have been reminded of this through years and years of painful learning and clearly I have not fully grasped the lesson. If I would add anything to this quote it would be: ‘and from my heart and from my mouth.’ If there is anything I can share from this experience it would be to pick up the phone and call the those you love. Just buy the ticket and visit your friend. Stop making everything about you. Love is safer than regret. Your silent presence can be felt like thunder in the dark.
I keep playing Beyoncé ‘Sandcastles’. It is one of the only songs that makes sense to me right now. It’s my way of being close to her. The great irony of what I am going through right now is that in losing Kasey, I am seeing clearer. The light is piercing through. I feel like I am emerging from this cave that I have lost myself in over these months.

 

Kasey <3

 

Dear Kasey,
May you rest in sweet peace.
I love you,
Dege x

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