There really is no order to my writing. Sometimes I just need a place to rest my thoughts so I reach for my pen…
I have felt it all this week. Tired. Fed up. Small. A few more things that I don’t care to mention. For some months now I have been reading a book called Seat of the Soul
. Yesterday I got to the part where it explained owning what you’re feeling. This whole year has felt like spiritual bootcamp for me. The past week my emotions have been raging and the reason has been twofold. I’ve got to get real with myself about the fact that what i’m feeling isn’t always pretty, and thus who I am isn’t always pretty. I had been grappling with an issue in my personal life the past week that I just didn’t know how to deal with. And although I spoke about it with a closie of mine, the solution just didn’t seem so clear. I had been sitting with discomfort around it for days. Inspired by this idea of owning what you are feeling in Seat of the Soul, I had a very raw self-care session. I have been getting to grips with what I am feeling. Honestly. I made a list of everything I was feeling in that moment, and when I wanted to run, I wrote. When I looked at it I found two things; my perception of this situation has been tainted by my own feelings of despair and in consequence, I have been projecting my fear onto the ones I love. The lines had become so blurred between whether it was them at all, and whether it was all me. And yes, this is painful. All of it. But now I see this, I can let it go. I have felt the lightest waking up this morning than I have done all week.
Right now, my circumstances aren’t as i’d like them to be and that has left me vulnerable. Despite how strong my commitment is to love, I can still be pulled away from it. I take comfort in knowing that all I have to do at times like this is realign myself, forgive myself, forgive the world and move the hell on. The past few months I have been torn between ‘get up and work for it’ and ‘sit back and trust it’s coming’.
I have learnt that it is best to move through life the way we make love; push and embrace, up, and down, grip, and let go.